Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here