A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
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Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?