LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
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Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.