My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
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“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice