Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

Nice try, poison.

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.