Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.