[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
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“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”