My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit