My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
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you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care