@BoozyMusic

My new dentist asked me if I gag easily. “No, I’m a professional,” probably wasn’t the answer he expected.

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@deplorablem1ke

So, the CIA can hack into my T.V. and listen to every word I say..

But

McDonald’s can’t hear me say “No pickles” through the drive-thru speaker.

@KentWGraham

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

@ultrakristian

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

@catcerveny

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

@PaigeKellerman

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

@dyldonot

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

@lianakey21

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

@Lisabug74

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

@chrisrockozfan

Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

@DirtyySouthMess

Me: Pretty sure my life just flashed before my eyes.

Trainer: You only did a single push-up.

Me: Call my mother and tell her I love her.