My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
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Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
B
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)