My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
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When a shoelace touches your ankle
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
worst…sale…ever
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Feel. He’s so soft.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”