My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
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Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
inventing words: clothing
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
By Kate Hatos
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Genius.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal