Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

Bond. Trauma bond.

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

😉

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.