Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

Somebody call the cops.

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.