My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
You Might Also Like
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
goldfish mafia
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not