My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
You Might Also Like
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Not all heroes wear capes…
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Most Common Source of Electricity
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal