My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
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Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
it must be school picture day
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
The cake is mightier than the sword.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun