My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
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*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.