My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Godspeed, John Glenn
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Lmaoo 😂
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”