Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

Facebook marketplace is a different world

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.