My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
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I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
🤯🤯🤯
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA