My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
You Might Also Like
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard