My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
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mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
hardest line in real life
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’