My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
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For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I think they could have phrased this better
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
asking santa clause for nudes
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Sunday
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.