My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
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Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.