My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
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[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“A little help here, Danny?”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.