My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?![]()
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I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
This is my favorite one of these!
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The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
wut hotdog?
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It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?