My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
You Might Also Like
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call