My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
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HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
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