Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.