@BoomBoomBetty

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

You Might Also Like

@BradBroaddus

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

@WheelTod

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

@daddydoubts

3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!

@marcia_bee

What’s a drug lord woman called?

A drug lady?

A heroin heroine?!

@NotthatAdamWest

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

@OctopusCavemann

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

@Bizarro_Mark

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

@briangaar

*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here

@NickBossRoss

“Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” “Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-” “WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!”

@HousewifeOfHell

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u