My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
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[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
What’s a drug lord woman called?
A drug lady?
A heroin heroine?!
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here
“Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” “Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-” “WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!”
ME: How are you?
ME: Are you still alive?
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u