My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

You Might Also Like


My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.


[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”


3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!


What’s a drug lord woman called?

A drug lady?

A heroin heroine?!


April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to


If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.


*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here


“Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” “Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-” “WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!”


ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u