My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
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PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.