My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
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Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
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instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Steam Forums
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Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down