Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons