My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
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I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
Cool shirt 🙂
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
estão todos miauvindo?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.