My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
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Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]