My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
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(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
me and my fake scenarios
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.