My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
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34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office