My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
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Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority