Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.