My new favorite headline
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911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.