Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.