My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
God has abandoned us.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
The days of good grammer has went
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
When I face a minor setback
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
