Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.