Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say “You can see me?”
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MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
1. Be a couple without kids.
2. Hire a babysitter.
3. When they show up and ask where the kid is, scream, “You lost it already?!?”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “What a creepy gift.” Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom”
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.