@ShadyLadyHH

My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say “You can see me?”

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@steeve_again

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

@Michael1979

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

@rolldiggity

Fun Game:
1. Be a couple without kids.
2. Hire a babysitter.
3. When they show up and ask where the kid is, scream, “You lost it already?!?”

@CranalBeads

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

@1Tortured_soul

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

@causticbob

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

@MajorFlake

Give a man a fish and he will think, “What a creepy gift.” Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom”

@PretendMaker

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

@Kyle_Lippert

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.