[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
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[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much