Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

Just say no

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.