My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
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professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*