My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
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Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Good morning
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.