Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

i want it utterly assaulted.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

sigh

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!

funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!

*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.