Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire