My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
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[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
this made my day 😂
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.