My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
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“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
i can’t work under these festive conditions
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that