My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
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But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too