My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
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Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
He’s cranky this morning
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
where the womens at?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol