TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.