My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
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What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend