Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

I’m going to need a moment here.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

Meow?

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

Not all heroes wear capes….

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

My first child will be named New Folder.

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

Oh yeah that’s it