Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

When ur friends with white people

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.