My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
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The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Phonetics
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you