Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’