Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

weird email i got today

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.