Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

look scared

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.