My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
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The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
My love language is hissing.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
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I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”