Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

Oops I deleted….

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay