My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
You Might Also Like
I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”