My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
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Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
No, he would not have.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here