My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
You Might Also Like
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
☺️
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”