My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
birds and squirrels envy us
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Inside you there are two wolves
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.