My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
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What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.